Weighty Matters

Tonight I had a rather sobering experience....... I tried on clothes. Well, I've been doing that a lot lately anyway, but tonight's was unpleasant. I'm getting ready for our musical prelude and midnight Mass and nothing I wanted to wear seems to fit. Not even with a shaper. Not even with squeezing, pinching, moving, flattening, shifting, NOTHING. And it's all on me. Sure, this year I've had multiple doses of steroids. Sure, I've been in and out of doctor's offices. Sure, I've been waylaid lately (especially) by an injury that I'm having difficulty overcoming. But I've allowed the injury, my work schedule, everything else imaginable to be a reason to just be off my game. And I mean WAY off. Tonight was a reminder that I'm not doing my best. This isn't about feeling like a failure or reminding myself of my past success. This is about how I feel, physically, emotionally, mentally, and every other way possible. I am tired -- just plain ...

Right now, there's an inner me that's screaming in frustration. The me that has done more 5K's than I can count. The me that loves going to the gym and working on the physical side of self-improvement -- a stronger, healthier body. The me that steps on the scale in frustration the last few weeks because even with trying to watch what I eat, I feel like tossing it all up and saying, "Why bother?" Yeah, honesty. Yesterday, the gym bag was packed, in the car, and everything was good..... until around 4:00 PM. I truly could feel my left foot swell. Why? I don't know. I don't know anything about my body lately as I battle this foot/ankle thing. All I know is that I can be at the gym, do things right, and feel fine the next day too .... and the day after that, pain, pain, pain. I have sat and wondered "what if" about a million things and if I think anymore about it, I will send myself into a frenzy. And no, I'm not going to do that. This morn...

It was early November 1989, and my knees were absolutely killing me. It had been about 3 weeks since they really started hurting after that Mass I went to with my friends, and they hadn't stopped hurting. Really? Could a simple few minutes of kneeling on a makeshift kneeler (basically, a 2x6 covered with a basic loop carpet) cause this much pain? I would soon have my answer, thanks to the outpatient clinic of the Medical University of South Carolina and the Orthopedics Department. I was just about 2 weeks past my 20th birthday when Dr. Morwessel gave me the diagnosis: osteoarthritis. She gave me a laundry list of everything that would happen to me at various ages and stages -- by the time I was 40, 50, 60, etc. -- if I didn't take care of myself properly. And by properly, she meant get the weight off ASAP. It took 16 years for her message to really take root -- because honestly (a) I wasn't ready to hear it but (b) I wasn't hurting nearly as bad as I had been at fir...

This is a post that I have debated for a long time.  I admit, I've done a horrible job over the last couple of years of keeping this blog as relevant as I did when I was losing the weight. And you, my friends and readers, deserve better. You deserve an explanation, if nothing else. Some of you know that for right around 3 years, my health has been haywire -- as has my weight. I am not at goal weight; this is no surprise. I've been floating around 20-30 pounds north of my lowest weight, and trying to get back to something more manageable. The health struggles started in earnest when I fainted during a meeting. Add stress from a job change due to a merger, a possible cancer scare, other "female" health issues, and a general "woe is me" pity party .... and within 6 months my weight that had been at a decent place (at the time of the fainting episode) was more than the 30 pounds north. I spent the next 18 months battling migraines -- many of which were low-lev...

John Legend, you are indeed living up to the moniker: This is phenomenal. And I love that many  different ladies are represented -- ladies of all sizes, ages, ethnicities, abilities...... The two that got me were the lady who removed her wig to reveal a bald head (presumably from chemo?) and the one who removed her bra to show the scars of a mastectomy. And all  of them are beautiful. Have you told yourself that lately? Have you looked in that mirror and told yourself that the sunspots or crooked teeth or two teensy freckles don't matter -- especially given that no one  but you and maybe your significant other know these "imperfections" even exist? That the curves are okay, you're not necessarily meant to look like an 8-year-old child anymore? That you are here and you matter, and there are people who care more about YOU than just  merely the body you occupy -- and that the most important people in your life (yourself included) should care more about you than j...

There's a piece of glass that we all love to hate. It has this silvery-like paint on one side that throws a reflection of ourselves back to us. Many are the curses hurled at this innocent little piece of glass. I am no exception. I have never been much of a fan of mirrors for years.... and lately, as time marches on and leaves little footprints in its wake across my face, I'm finding myself looking and thinking, "Who is that person?" Then there are the times I look in it and think, "Dang girl.... you are looking awesome!" Lately, however, those are not words I have uttered. It has instead heard words of disgust, of worry, of the variety that make me say, "Great, whatever, you look like (insert a favorite expletive or several here)......" So here it is on the line: the last almost-three years have been full of some things that would cause the average person to throw up their hands and say "I QUIT" about 4 months into it: heart arrhy...

Take it from me I have had to learn this lesson in the most unpleasant, literally painful way. If you do not take care of yourself -- in big ways and small -- it will come back to bite you in a most unexpected and not very nice way. TRUST ME when I tell you to do this for yourself. Self-care includes eating right, getting in activity, proper sleep ( yes, I *mean* this ), hobbies, recreation, de-stressing, connections (and not just online ones), and finding your perfect balance -- which very likely is NOT the perfect balance that someone else has. Take care of yourself. No one else will. People will help, but they cannot, e-v-e-r, care for you and give your body, mind, and spirit what it needs. ONLY you can do that for yourself.  DO IT.

I hadn't posted much lately -- for lots of reasons. One, I wasn't sure I really had anything of importance to say. I wasn't sure that anyone really wanted to hear my story, my struggles, my failings, just my triumphs and successes. Part of me would think, "No, that's not right. People need to know that you can bounce back, that it's okay to have dark moments of the journey....." and then this other part of me would think, "But I *can't*!!!! You don't understand!!! I have to be 'on,' all day every day!" Warped, huh? Without going into laborious detail, there's a lot on my life plate that has very little to do with weight loss, with body image, etc. and yet ties into it on a very intimate level that only those of us who struggle mightily with it can begin to understand: how we can feel so put out by things that actually are not in our control so we work hard to control what we can -- but end up creating more stress when those pl...

Do you deserve to be happy? Do you deserve to be healthy? Do you deserve to be loved .... no, I mean, really loved by the one earthly person who can fill the gaping hole in your heart that is waiting to be filled with love that you give to yourself? WHOA. Where did that come from? Please, let me show you..... (from Lissa Rankin, MD; blogger at owningpink.com  and author of  Mind Over Medicine ) Stop. Stop, really. Just read and read and re-read, and let it sink deeeeeeeeep into your soul.  That was something where I saw it, read it, re-read it, and had to get up and walk off for a minute. It amazes me sometimes how easily we forget this -- we forget to take care of ourselves. We're taught that we always  have to put others first. We are selfish if we dare to consider that we are worthy of our own time .... that the needs of our families, our community organizations, our churches, our extended families and friends always are far more important of our...

This wasn't a "hmm" moment. This was a complete "BAM! WHAMMY! HEY YOU!!!!" moment. Oh, planning during the storm? Massive, epic FAIL. Then again, I worked a full 8 hours each day I was home. It did not let up! Yeah, no rest for the weary. I really was so exhausted at the end of each day that I pretty much took a nap after work. Yep, made it from the kitchen table to the recliner and {zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz} . And how did that work for me? An even more epic FAIL. I don't even want to discuss how far from grace I fell. I'm a little angry at myself because I know better. I'm mortified because I should do better. But I am not going to beat myself up. Why? Because I had a revelation this weekend that is helping to crack open some things.  I'm not sure why, since Christmas, I've been going in the opposite direction of where I want to go. I had been doing pretty well in December and yet so badly since then. I have no idea, really. The only two things t...

Thank you, Mother Nature, Old Man Winter, God, and everyone else responsible for Snowmageddon-to-Come 2014. I think they're officially calling this one "Winter Storm Pax" (PAX? Have you been cooped up with your family for days? Think "The Shining"....) Anyhow, if "Pax" is as bad as the predictions say it will be, I will be at home and working from here for a couple of days. That will also give me a precious 90 minutes to 2 hours a day back into my schedule that won't be spent on the road commuting... and which I can use for planning! You see, in thinking about things over the last couple of days, I've realized I need to plan much more than my meals, my exercise, etc. I need a far better grip on my life in general. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of feeling that I've lost control of my own life. It is past time for me to reclaim myself, my time, my life, my health. Notice that "my health" is last in line there -...

I apologize for the lack of posts. The last couple of weeks have been .... strange. Yes, strange. Short of it is that I'm still trying to figure out the effects of my new medicines on me (still far too tired in the mornings but not fall-asleep-groggy). I also had to deal with a post-nasal thing, allergy-related, where the back of my throat was scratchy-yucky, and I'm just now, three weeks later, beginning to come out from that. The weather ... well, let's not even discuss. Suffice to say I was over winter by 12/22, and am so ready for spring to arrive that I can hardly wait. We had some changes at work which resulted in me having to train a couple of people -- one to start and when she didn't work out, I had to do it again for someone else (who seems very eager and willing to learn and work). And worst of all, I also experienced the deep sadness of losing a very dear friend during this time frame, and it threw me for a loop. I have not been mentally back in the game u...

This past week in weight-loss: maintained. I was so thrilled I could have cried. Who knows about this week, but you know, I'm not even freaking out about it...... I had a yoga workshop today that was absolutely phenomenal. I'm working to create a variety of home practices for those times when attending as many classes as I'd like is limited (by time, money, my normal schedule, etc.). One of the things that Linda, our teacher, discussed was the concept that keeps getting hammered home of self-care ..... that we cannot care for others until we care for ourselves. We further mentioned the idea of excuses .... of knowing what we have to do, and still coming up with every reason not to do them. I have to admit my mind wandered for just the briefest of moments. I thought to a friend of mine who has made some ah-mayyyyyyy-zing strides this year in therapy and self-care, and I could almost hear her saying something along the lines of, "Excuses are for the times we just don...

2014 is starting out a bit like 2013: in a doctor's office. Up a bit at the scale. Only this time I have a few more answers. I have a sixth sinus infection, just wrapped up the prednisone dosage, still working the antibiotics, have a new nighttime-only antihistamine, and Topamax (also bedtime only) for the headaches. Last night was my first dosage for that.... today was my first day and I can't wait until it actually begins to get into my system and build up. Because even on this lowest dosage, I have been ... groggy? out of it? yeah? most of the day. But, back to the topic of the blog itself: so I was up 1.4 this week. Can I blame the polar vortex? the prednisone? my own laziness? Oh, wait.... Well yeah, that pretty much sums it up. No one to blame but me. But guess what, it's also up to me to get this off again. So two days in a row at the gym (so far) and plans to work out at home tomorrow after work. Sunday is supposed to be sunny again (hooray!) so Mr. Maddox will ge...