Sunday, March 02, 2014

Do you deserve it?

Do you deserve to be happy?
Do you deserve to be healthy?
Do you deserve to be loved .... no, I mean, really loved by the one earthly person who can fill the gaping hole in your heart that is waiting to be filled with love that you give to yourself?

WHOA. Where did that come from?

Please, let me show you.....
(from Lissa Rankin, MD; blogger at owningpink.com 
and author of Mind Over Medicine)

Stop. Stop, really. Just read and read and re-read, and let it sink deeeeeeeeep into your soul. 

That was something where I saw it, read it, re-read it, and had to get up and walk off for a minute. It amazes me sometimes how easily we forget this -- we forget to take care of ourselves. We're taught that we always have to put others first. We are selfish if we dare to consider that we are worthy of our own time .... that the needs of our families, our community organizations, our churches, our extended families and friends always are far more important of our own .... that we are not allowed to say "I need some me time" or "I need space for myself." It's perfectly okay for our hubbies or sons or significant others to build a man-cave or have boys' night out .... but if we need a spa afternoon or girls night out, or want a "sewing room" (or anything for ourselves) it's a massive imposition.

No. No. A million times no.

It does not matter if you are married with 8 children and 14 grandchildren and surrounded by family and a slew of friends, or if you are single for life, no children, no spouse and looking at middle age as a double-barreled shotgun: You are the only one who can take care of you.

Your spouse cannot.
Your children cannot.
Your friends cannot.

It is you.

So when are you going to start filling that massive hole in your own heart with love for yourself instead of donuts or chocolate or that second helping of whatever? Or the leftover crumbs from your children's plate because you'd be thought of as a bad mother for "wasting food"?

Get your mother's voice out of your head, and a little more love for yourself in your heart. Don't force your kids to eat more than they want, and don't eat it for them to have a clean plate. After a while, your grocery list will self-adjust. 

Have you heard of the H.A.L.T. method? It's popular in many circles and do you know why? Because it works. It makes sense. Basically, HALT is this: a reminder to stop (hence, HALT - ha!) and ask yourself:
* Am I Hungry?
* Am I Angry?
* Am I Lonely?
* Am I Tired?
If any of those apply, don't make your decision .... ask yourself more questions. The most important will be "What do I really need?" If it's a food decision, and you are hungry -- and I mean true physical hunger -- then there's your answer. But if hunger is not the question, guess what? Food is not the answer! So then you go to the next..... you find which emotion is about to drive your behavior and address that need. And ONLY that need.

If you're hungry, eat (and again, true physical hunger). If you're angry, find out why and address it. If you're lonely (and this could include boredom), figure out something to do to address that need. If you're tired, maybe sleep or rest or self-care is just what you need. 

And think about the example you're setting for your daughters or the girls in your life..... you're telling them that it's okay to put yourself way down the list. The same time your lips are telling them that they matter, your actions are telling them that none of this is true. You should always put yourself near the bottom, that you don't deserve to love yourself and give your wounded soul the love it needs most.

Let's all think about that one for a while. Let's start a revolution in ourselves that say, "I matter. I matter enough to care for myself. I matter enough to need my time, my space, my own love. I matter. You do too."

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