Sunday, February 16, 2014

Things that make you go BAM!

This wasn't a "hmm" moment. This was a complete "BAM! WHAMMY! HEY YOU!!!!" moment.

Oh, planning during the storm? Massive, epic FAIL. Then again, I worked a full 8 hours each day I was home. It did not let up! Yeah, no rest for the weary. I really was so exhausted at the end of each day that I pretty much took a nap after work. Yep, made it from the kitchen table to the recliner and {zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz}.

And how did that work for me? An even more epic FAIL. I don't even want to discuss how far from grace I fell. I'm a little angry at myself because I know better. I'm mortified because I should do better. But I am not going to beat myself up. Why? Because I had a revelation this weekend that is helping to crack open some things. 

I'm not sure why, since Christmas, I've been going in the opposite direction of where I want to go. I had been doing pretty well in December and yet so badly since then. I have no idea, really. The only two things that could have caused me any problems were my own illness in January (where I craved soup for days on end -- sodium BOOM!) and Padre's passing -- but while I miss my friend, it isn't the kind of thing that would send me into a tailspin.

So ... one of the things that occurred to me over the weekend was that while I consciously choose not to self-medicate with destructive things, I am apparently choosing to self-medicate with food. Again. I don't know what it is that I am attempting to mollify and soothe. I don't know why the smarter part of my brain -- the part that knows what to do and chooses wisely -- is hibernating. All I know is this feels primal and I'm choosing poorly.

Now. The time to change is now. The time to get my crap together is now. It is not tomorrow. It is not next week. It is now. Now. Yes, it's 9:30ish PM. There's still time. It's early yet. I've already got the gym bag packed and ready, and by the door. I have the gym clothes ready to put on in the morning (I just don't like sleeping in them; it's a me thing).

I can plan tomorrow, even if I can't plan the whole week. But I want to plan my week. I need to see things mapped out and on a page and in view. I need to keep the big picture in mind and yet keep my goals in sight too.

BAM! sometimes a knockout punch and landing on your back is what you need so you can see the light.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Some much-needed time...

Thank you, Mother Nature, Old Man Winter, God, and everyone else responsible for Snowmageddon-to-Come 2014. I think they're officially calling this one "Winter Storm Pax" (PAX? Have you been cooped up with your family for days? Think "The Shining"....)

Anyhow, if "Pax" is as bad as the predictions say it will be, I will be at home and working from here for a couple of days. That will also give me a precious 90 minutes to 2 hours a day back into my schedule that won't be spent on the road commuting... and which I can use for planning!

You see, in thinking about things over the last couple of days, I've realized I need to plan much more than my meals, my exercise, etc. I need a far better grip on my life in general. I'm tired of feeling tired. I'm tired of feeling that I've lost control of my own life. It is past time for me to reclaim myself, my time, my life, my health.

Notice that "my health" is last in line there -- I didn't do that by accident. I really believe that if I focus on the other things, on simply getting myself and my life back in order first, the health/weight issues will fall in line as they should, when they should. I cannot expect to tackle that issue outside the others. That's like asking me to run a race and handing me just a pair of shoes .... without a map of the race course, without any information about when and where, and without any training.

My first order of planning? Figuring out how to get better quality (and QUANTITY) of sleep, especially given that the Topamax and Xyzal make me sooooo sleepy almost immediately after I take it, and leave me still brain-fuzzy in the mornings. But fret not: I will figure this out.

Here's to a better 2014! Here's to reclaiming us.

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Planning to succeed

I apologize for the lack of posts. The last couple of weeks have been .... strange. Yes, strange. Short of it is that I'm still trying to figure out the effects of my new medicines on me (still far too tired in the mornings but not fall-asleep-groggy). I also had to deal with a post-nasal thing, allergy-related, where the back of my throat was scratchy-yucky, and I'm just now, three weeks later, beginning to come out from that. The weather ... well, let's not even discuss. Suffice to say I was over winter by 12/22, and am so ready for spring to arrive that I can hardly wait.

We had some changes at work which resulted in me having to train a couple of people -- one to start and when she didn't work out, I had to do it again for someone else (who seems very eager and willing to learn and work). And worst of all, I also experienced the deep sadness of losing a very dear friend during this time frame, and it threw me for a loop. I have not been mentally back in the game until just recently.

All this to say that I am not in my normal groove and haven't been for several weeks. It shows on the scale, and I'm over it. The lack of planning, of having things slung at me and having to adjust and re-adjust on the fly, is not working for me. I don't mind being flexible but when it comes to this, I know that planning works. I know that being able to sit down, to see my budget, to see my freezer/pantry and what's in it, and to go with that and plan meals is a big help with weight loss. Otherwise -- for me, anyway -- I get very tempted by "sure, whatever" ... and either drift toward (1) really bad stuff (a/k/a "I don't care mode"); (2) good stuff via takeout (not really fiscally responsible); or (3) good frozen entrees or meals (not really all that great-tasting or truly "healthy" for my sodium thing).

So to help me, I bought a tool: a good old-fashioned, write-it-down 3-month tracker. Yes, I have the mobile WW app, and a couple of other ones as well. Yes, it's awfully convenient to just look up the points on my phone. But that gives me a handy excuse to say, "Oh, I won't eat the lunch I brought from home because I found out that (Restaurant X) has (Food Y) for only (Z PointsPlus), and yeah, I think I'll do that!" That's great in an emergency situation but it's not something I want to do each day. I want to think about what I'll take. I want to think about the energy it will give me, not just shoving food in because I've picked the lesser of all evils from the best of the alternatives.

A half-week in and I can already tell I need to really utilize it to the fullest. Why? Because I've been relying on my phone to get me through to the weekend when I could actually prepare things. So tonight, I'm planning out the rest of my week -- food-wise, if nothing else. The weather is still playing havoc so I am just going to have to FORCE myself to do workouts at home if I cannot make it to the gym. I may have to re-plan my life to fit evening workouts in now. I have to do what I have to do in order to be successful.

I have heard it a million times: "Failure to plan is planning to fail." I'm finding it to be true.