Skip to main content

Things that make you go BAM!

This wasn't a "hmm" moment. This was a complete "BAM! WHAMMY! HEY YOU!!!!" moment.

Oh, planning during the storm? Massive, epic FAIL. Then again, I worked a full 8 hours each day I was home. It did not let up! Yeah, no rest for the weary. I really was so exhausted at the end of each day that I pretty much took a nap after work. Yep, made it from the kitchen table to the recliner and {zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz}.

And how did that work for me? An even more epic FAIL. I don't even want to discuss how far from grace I fell. I'm a little angry at myself because I know better. I'm mortified because I should do better. But I am not going to beat myself up. Why? Because I had a revelation this weekend that is helping to crack open some things. 


I'm not sure why, since Christmas, I've been going in the opposite direction of where I want to go. I had been doing pretty well in December and yet so badly since then. I have no idea, really. The only two things that could have caused me any problems were my own illness in January (where I craved soup for days on end -- sodium BOOM!) and Padre's passing -- but while I miss my friend, it isn't the kind of thing that would send me into a tailspin.

So ... one of the things that occurred to me over the weekend was that while I consciously choose not to self-medicate with destructive things, I am apparently choosing to self-medicate with food. Again. I don't know what it is that I am attempting to mollify and soothe. I don't know why the smarter part of my brain -- the part that knows what to do and chooses wisely -- is hibernating. All I know is this feels primal and I'm choosing poorly.

Now. The time to change is now. The time to get my crap together is now. It is not tomorrow. It is not next week. It is now. Now. Yes, it's 9:30ish PM. There's still time. It's early yet. I've already got the gym bag packed and ready, and by the door. I have the gym clothes ready to put on in the morning (I just don't like sleeping in them; it's a me thing).

I can plan tomorrow, even if I can't plan the whole week. But I want to plan my week. I need to see things mapped out and on a page and in view. I need to keep the big picture in mind and yet keep my goals in sight too.

BAM! sometimes a knockout punch and landing on your back is what you need so you can see the light.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

At the risk of sounding like a Spanish soccer announcer,

GOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! It took 3 years and 3 weeks, but I am finally 44% of the woman I was on May 11, 2006. When I started the journey, this day was not even in sight. All I could honestly think about was how to take those first steps to get through the first day and the first week. I had no idea how I was supposed to do 5 minutes a day of activity, when it took all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. But if nothing else, once I make up my mind to do something.......... Here it is, June 4, 2009. I am 228 pounds lighter and a quadrillion times better. I made it through that first day, that first week just fine. I did the 5 minutes -- okay, really 10 minutes, all huffing and puffing and barely able to walk out two blocks and back. Then 20, then 30, and joined the Y, and ..... got the dog and had to walk him. Then said, "I can do a 5K." And then watched my race time improve each time I tried. In losing 228 pounds, I have gained so much. I wasn't e...

Quick brag

Apologies for the drive-by posting, but I am proud to report that my brother has hit his 10% goal!!! AND did it by 3 whole pounds!!!!! WAY TO GO, BRO!

Square One, All Over Again

Note: cross-posted from  Meanderings and Musings , cross-posting to Bad Catholic Anonymous   and  Birdcage Wisdom Take the high road or take the low No one but you and God will ever know And you play rough and win or lose Either way, you'll get the blues -- Lucinda Williams, "Ugly Truth" I found myself staring again at something I didn't want to see: ugly truth. The scale didn't lie, and neither did two-plus years worth of knowing I was eating to get away from what was eating me. But two anxiety attacks that awoke me in the middle of the night, scared to death of some physical ailment, the absolute fear not of dying but of leaving people behind and things unfinished -- and knowing I could damn well do something about it........ And facing my worst truth: I'm trying to fill a hole that can never be filled. I haven't written much in a while -- or spread it out over other outlets -- because I was compartmentalizing things. General stuff here, weig...