Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Letter to my body....

Dear Body,

For 43 years, 6 months and 5 days, I have fought you. I have loved you, hated you, blessed you, cursed you, pushed you to limits, indulged you far too often, and generally speaking have never made peace with you.

Can we call a truce?

You see, when I was being formed, there was a triumvirate of you (my body), me (my spirit), and our Creator. And we decided how you and I should be. Somehow, we agreed upon the idea that I would be somewhere between 5'5" and 5'6", and that we laughed at the idea of me being a 36D-26-38 ..... so we settled upon some numbers that I have since forgotten. But we laughed heartily, cried some, shook on it, and then BAM! birth.

Somehow, I forgot it all. In the process of growing and learning how to maneuver in a human existence, I forgot all of that, especially the fun we had deciding the parameters of me and you. I mistreated you by overeating, through not listening to you when you screamed out "I've had enough, don't make me throw this thing in reverse!" I didn't listen when you said, "I am exhausted and you need to rest." Oh, you have done a great job with that -- let me tell you. You take a good bit but then you have your ways of making me rest when my spirit doesn't want to. Those lovely migraines that send me to a bed to lie in one position for hours, afraid that if I move the world will spin me off its axis? Or when my legs are so puffy and swollen that I have no choice but to stop and put them up and rest them? Yes, devious you are, even when it's for my own good.

I have not loved you as I should. I have not utilized you to its best extent. I have a whole list of woulda-coulda-shoulda's that encompass 36 years of living wrongly and 7 years of trying to get it right. But right now, we're locked in another battle. And for some reason, we're not working together as well as we should. Somehow, in the last 2-3 years, you have been determined that you are going to win this one, instead of letting me win this one.

I think we can both win.

What are you trying to say to me?

That whole 36D-26-38 thing? Bah. I know that I am not going to get there. I just want to be at a better, healthier weight, where I was 3-4 years ago. I know that the last two years especially have been a real struggle. We're navigating all new territory together, and neither of us have a road map. We're on a trail that feels so all alone -- so many other women don't seem to have journeyed the exact trail we're on. I daresay we're chopping down a few trees and clearing out brush on this trail. So tell me what to do. I want to listen. I want to work together.

I want to be healthier as I enter my later times of life. I know I'm not 25 anymore. You've no idea of the sorrow I feel for having not done these things at 25. Nothing clicked then, and I will forever live with that sadness and regret. But I'm smarter now.

Let's work together.

Help me learn to love you as you are. The body that we've built together over these 43+ years. Help my mind finally learn to listen to you and not to the voices that chide me for not being perfect. Help me listen to you tell me you are tired -- when you've really had enough and it's not just that sneaky lazy part of us talking us out of working together.

Truce? Please?