Tonight I had a rather sobering experience....... I tried on clothes. Well, I've been doing that a lot lately anyway, but tonight's was unpleasant. I'm getting ready for our musical prelude and midnight Mass and nothing I wanted to wear seems to fit. Not even with a shaper. Not even with squeezing, pinching, moving, flattening, shifting, NOTHING.
And it's all on me.
Sure, this year I've had multiple doses of steroids. Sure, I've been in and out of doctor's offices. Sure, I've been waylaid lately (especially) by an injury that I'm having difficulty overcoming. But I've allowed the injury, my work schedule, everything else imaginable to be a reason to just be off my game. And I mean WAY off. Tonight was a reminder that I'm not doing my best.
This isn't about feeling like a failure or reminding myself of my past success. This is about how I feel, physically, emotionally, mentally, and every other way possible. I am tired -- just plain tired. No inspiration. No caring. Allowing myself to be at everyone's else's beck and call and whim because I just plain didn't care enough to say "no" or was just too tired to care. What did I want for dinner? I didn't care. What had I planned for lunch? Nothing, I didn't care. It's one thing to feel up or down, but this "flat-lining"? Not my style, and a little bewildered at how I'd let myself end up there, in such a state.
But does it really matter? No. What does matter is where I go from here...........
And it starts tomorrow, Christmas Day. It's my present to myself -- a golden ticket to find me again in this morass, this swamp of my own making. I think if I feel good again physically, it will boost me in those other areas.
2014 has not been my best year, and for that, I alone bear the responsibility. And I also am the only one who can right the ship.