Tuesday, August 26, 2014

No Holding Back

This is a post that I have debated for a long time.  I admit, I've done a horrible job over the last couple of years of keeping this blog as relevant as I did when I was losing the weight. And you, my friends and readers, deserve better. You deserve an explanation, if nothing else.

Some of you know that for right around 3 years, my health has been haywire -- as has my weight. I am not at goal weight; this is no surprise. I've been floating around 20-30 pounds north of my lowest weight, and trying to get back to something more manageable. The health struggles started in earnest when I fainted during a meeting. Add stress from a job change due to a merger, a possible cancer scare, other "female" health issues, and a general "woe is me" pity party .... and within 6 months my weight that had been at a decent place (at the time of the fainting episode) was more than the 30 pounds north. I spent the next 18 months battling migraines -- many of which were low-level dull aches which would recur on average every four days. Just dull enough that they wouldn't send me home from work or activities but just enough that I couldn't give 100%.

In short, I battled the bulge as I battled for good health. Believe me when I tell you I have felt like a total failure at times -- wondering why in the world would anyone would want to pay attention to me......... I had that horrid demon of "Perfection" telling me I was worthless unless I was back at my goal weight, looking like a model off the latest "Shape" or "Fitness" cover (can't do that with my bat wings and thunder thighs, right?)

Over the last few months, though, things have changed. Really changed, for the better. And last night I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and was amazed. I mean, ah-mazed.

Here I am, up 4 pounds from where I was earlier this month (thanks in part to a sprained ankle which curtailed my activity level). But I don't care about the number one whit...... Why?

Because I looked pretty damn good in that mirror.

I saw teensy little shoulders -- but shoulders which are strong enough to have borne the weight of the world, every time I feel that I am worthless because I'm not where I was 5 years ago. Or whenever I see some chippy 30-year-old get back to a bikini body only 5 weeks after birthing a child (to which I think, "WHY is that even important?")

I saw a person who has after years of telling herself she wasn't worthy of (you name it), finally becoming more and more happy at last in her own skin. Even more so than 5 years ago or 10 years ago, and far more so than 15 or 20 years ago. I am someone who is learning -- ever so slowly -- that the only opinion that really counts is my own.

I saw someone who is still a success. Once upon a time, I lost 228 pounds. I still have lost over 190 of those same pounds. Just stop and think about that. I have kept off over 190 pounds lost. And someone will dare call me less than a success over a few pounds here and there of it? REALLY? I beg to differ. Unless you have ever walked through the doors of a weight-loss place, having only some idea of what you weigh (because you know what it said at the doctor's office a couple of months back and that was shameful enough) ..... and having no idea how much you might have to lose, but knowing you have to start somewhere and it might as well be the first pound ...... and running out of options.......

If that's not been you, then you have no.... (expletive deleted) .... idea of what it is to be me. And to still consider 190 pounds out of 228 a success. Now you may be asking why I still step on a scale at this point. Because I have to keep myself in some level of check..... because if I don't, 190 could easily become 170, 150, 130, and creep its way back to a place I never want to go again. Because it's not a weight thing with me anymore, it's a health thing.

You see, this weekend, I got to sit with my mom in the hospital instead of our living room. She was taken there on Friday because of her own heart issues and not taking care of herself (and her heart problems) as she really needed to for the last few years. For me, it's doing everything I can to lessen my odds of being in the same boat.......

It's not about whether I'm up 0.2 this week, oh woe is me, I'm a failure as a human being.
It's not about whether I was at 42:15 in this 5K and oh man, that's a new PB, hot damn I am SOMEONE! (although I would think it, very briefly, if I ever got below 45:00!)

It's about being the best person I can be, with all my limitations and not just in spite of them or because of them. It's just recognizing that they are there, as parameters within which to work and be fruitful.

It is about celebrating your successes and cheering you on.

Really, it's about love. Loving myself. Loving yourself. Sharing it with each other and helping each other out.

What a concept, huh?

Imagine.