Thursday, March 29, 2012

Alwyn Cosgrove is trying to kill me...

I don't know him from Adam, but I promise you that Mr. Cosgrove is indeed out to end my life. Who is Alwyn Cosgrove, you ask? He is one of three authors of The New Rules of Lifting for Women ... he came up with the workouts.

I am only on Stage 1, Workout B-1, but oh my...... see, Stage 1, Workout A-1 was crazy enough. As many squats as I've done, and they hurt like hell this time. In fact, I'm still feeling the effects of these when I went to work out today. The plan is to workout no less than two and no more than three times in a week, so that you take a rest for about 48 hours, then work out again.....

I'm thinking 72 hours rest right now..... because I actually was still sore from Tuesday's workout when I did today's workout.

But I can't wait to see the results. This entire plan is about 6-8 months worth of workouts, getting progressively stronger and better. That is something that I can totally get behind!

If I survive Stage 1......

Saturday, March 10, 2012

And light dawns....


It seems that for the first time in many months, I can breathe again. As y'all know, it's been an insane life since about mid-July. The role in the play was wonderful, but I allowed it to become an excuse for a bad spiral -- I didn't have time to really take care of myself, but I'll catch up later. Then came the slew of medical things in September and October ..... and again, another excuse for not really giving myself my full attention. Then the job changes starting in November and continuing through now -- the real spiral acceleration. And more medical stuff starting in January -- and the "woe is me, life sucks" thing continued.

But in the last two weeks, I have gotten a reprieve medically, and yesterday, I finally began a treatment regimen that we were going to begin last fall (before we needed to discover why I had passed out ... and  we still don't know!). I have a teensy suture on my hiney where the medicine was inserted (and OH is it tender this morning!)..... and I have light rising above the horizon.

What else happened? I got the good swift kick in the keester that I needed. To my friend JG out in Texas, I owe a huge debt of gratitude. Her words were, "you have worked too freakin hard to sabatoge yourself, and thats what you are doing. You DESERVE to be healthy, so go out there and kick some blah ass!" WOW. She's right. I don't know why I didn't see it before ..... but the more important was why was I choosing to sabotage all my best efforts?

The answer came this morning ..... I subscribe to several motivational quotes, newsletters, etc. through e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, etc. From one of the Twitter ones came this gem of a quote (so good, I made it by FB status): "Your problem is you’re … too busy holding onto your unworthiness." (Ram Dass)

I'm gonna let that one sink in a moment.........

One word: THIS.

For the last few months especially, I have been caught up in a very negative self-talk loop that screams to me that I am not worthy. That no one appreciates me or my efforts so why should I bother? To quote an old Mellencamp LP (from back in his "John Cougar" days): Nothing Matters And What If It Did? 

And why? I know better.

Right now, I'm on exercise restriction because of the teensy suture .... and that's fine. Gives me some time to perfect improve my battle plan.

But make no mistake. I am worth it. I am not a fraud, just because I've had a period of failure. What I have learned is that I always have to be on guard. I can't do it alone, or thinking that I know it all so I don't have to (fill in the blank).

The sun in shining. And so am I.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Good news

Again, I apologize for my silence recently. Work has been incredibly busy, and by the time I attend to that, myself, and a few other things, really deep blogging has a tendency to be put off again and again.

First, for the good news: I have the all-clear. I had an MRI on the 25th, followed by a consultation on the 29th at which Dr. Y-2 said that they found NOTHING. Okay, they found a benign cyst elsewhere (nowhere near the trouble spot) and so I'll discuss that with my doctors this week. I cannot wait to get to their offices, and begin getting my life straightened out.

The last five months have been an exercise in many things, especially in patience. But where it might have done much for my spirituality, it's taken a big toll on my weight maintenance. Now that I know that I'm not facing any potential treatments or otherwise, I can finally focus again on the external me (so to speak).

I'm sitting here with "The New Rules of Lifting for Women" in hand. I've been doing interval training. I've tried yoga and Zumba, and I like them all. And so I have decided to mix up my routines. Monday and Friday mornings, weight training with some cardio -- maybe not interval style, but we'll find something. Then Tuesday and Thursday evenings, Zumba or all-cardio (whether at the gym or at home with DVDs), and yoga on the weekends. I need all three components. I actually need a little yoga/med each day..... if for nothing else than balance (and I don't mean mere physical balance).

It is time to quit worrying about me and love me wholeheartedly again.