It seems that for the first time in many months, I can breathe again. As y'all know, it's been an insane life since about mid-July. The role in the play was wonderful, but I allowed it to become an excuse for a bad spiral -- I didn't have time to really take care of myself, but I'll catch up later. Then came the slew of medical things in September and October ..... and again, another excuse for not really giving myself my full attention. Then the job changes starting in November and continuing through now -- the real spiral acceleration. And more medical stuff starting in January -- and the "woe is me, life sucks" thing continued.
But in the last two weeks, I have gotten a reprieve medically, and yesterday, I finally began a treatment regimen that we were going to begin last fall (before we needed to discover why I had passed out ... and we still don't know!). I have a teensy suture on my hiney where the medicine was inserted (and OH is it tender this morning!)..... and I have light rising above the horizon.
What else happened? I got the good swift kick in the keester that I needed. To my friend JG out in Texas, I owe a huge debt of gratitude. Her words were, "you have worked too freakin hard to sabatoge yourself, and thats what you are doing. You DESERVE to be healthy, so go out there and kick some blah ass!" WOW. She's right. I don't know why I didn't see it before ..... but the more important was why was I choosing to sabotage all my best efforts?
The answer came this morning ..... I subscribe to several motivational quotes, newsletters, etc. through e-mail, Facebook, Twitter, etc. From one of the Twitter ones came this gem of a quote (so good, I made it by FB status): "Your problem is you’re … too busy holding onto your unworthiness." (Ram Dass)
I'm gonna let that one sink in a moment.........
One word: THIS.
For the last few months especially, I have been caught up in a very negative self-talk loop that screams to me that I am not worthy. That no one appreciates me or my efforts so why should I bother? To quote an old Mellencamp LP (from back in his "John Cougar" days): Nothing Matters And What If It Did?
And why? I know better.
Right now, I'm on exercise restriction because of the teensy suture .... and that's fine. Gives me some time to
But make no mistake. I am worth it. I am not a fraud, just because I've had a period of failure. What I have learned is that I always have to be on guard. I can't do it alone, or thinking that I know it all so I don't have to (fill in the blank).
The sun in shining. And so am I.