Sunday, March 24, 2013

A constant struggle

I am fighting a battle I shouldn't, that none of us should.

I battle my body. I battle my head. I fight the idea that I should look a certain way, that I should be a certain body style.

I fought it before I lost weight. I fought it while I lost the weight. I fight it still.

I shouldn't. One regret, one lost opportunity: to appreciate myself in total, as I am, all through the process. I appreciated the smaller numbers, the shrinking sizes, the diagnosis of lymphedema (it was an explanation, a reason for some of the things). But I didn't appreciate my body as it was. As it is.

It is not a perfect body, and one only need see the hanging, sagging skin as one sign of that. Internally, there are broken pieces. I've thought much about the damage that was done in my earlier years, as I was packing on the pounds quite joyfully. I think about how it affected my growth (and not just in an outwardly expanding way), how it impacted my various bodily systems as I continued to gain weight exponentially in my teen years, especially. I think about how it impacts me now. I could "what if" things all day long but it wouldn't change "what is." So I sigh with a tinge of sorrow and move forward. It's all I can do.

I want to learn to stop fighting it. I am struggling with weight control right now, especially more it seems in the last few months, and this last week has been odd too. It is like my body is hanging on for dear life to something and if it has to take some pounds hostage to get me to notice, it will. How do I tell my body that I'm not trying to fight it, honestly? That all I want is for us to come to an understanding, an agreement, a way to work together to get back to a healthy place. A place where we can appreciate each other.

Hey body ..... Truce?

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Spring fever

It is spring. You wouldn't know it by the temps outside. It's been a bizarre winter. We've had ice storms and tornadoes in the same week. It was 78 on Saturday and won't make it past 50 today. So what does this have to do with my usual matters at hand?

Well, it's surprisingly similar to my weight-loss graph since the first of the year ..... up, down, up, down.

My energy is shot right now. I'm not sure if it's SAD, or some other thing about winter and me that do not jive up, but I have had the worst time getting motivated or staying motivated, mostly about working out. On nicer days, my thought has been usually, "Skip the gym, get home as fast as possible and walk the dog instead." That may be a sign that it's time to seek a different type of workout.....

Don't get me wrong, I love the gym, and especially mine for several reasons: 1) it's very inexpensive, 2) the amenities and location are both very good for going either before work or after work, and 3) I know what I can do the minute I get in there. But I hate that afternoons are so crowded. When it comes to my workouts, I'm not a group person. I'm not into classes full of people and an instructor up front shouting instructions at us..... one reason I don't do Zumba on a regular basis. I'm really quite a loner when it comes to workouts. I keep thinking it would be fun to get on a quasi-competitive-but-mostly-for-fun-team-thing: softball, volleyball, etc. That would be good for a couple of workouts each week, if it were a league thing.

I keep thinking of other options. We have a chain of places that do 30-minute cardio-boxing-style workouts that I've thought of looking into. I've thought about Crossfit, only that's SO expensive and I fear I would totally suck at it and get very discouraged very quickly. I'm tired of doing DVD's. I love walking the dog but spring temps won't last forever and then I will be complaining of the heat (and given my dog's extreme furriness, my workout needs and his capability to withstand the heat don't mesh). I want to get on my bike again. I want to do fun stuff. I want to carve out time again for yoga; I haven't been in a while and I can feel it in so many ways.

I will find a solution. I know I will. And in the meantime, I will keep plugging along and doing something to just get going.

And sleep. Yes, I am very much sleep-deprived and need to remedy this as well. But one obstacle at a time.....