Saturday, June 05, 2010

Knowledge and power

I'm not sure I have a lot of words of wisdom this week. I'm not feeling very wise. I'm not discouraged, but I am .... well, I'm not sure there's a good descriptor for it. Baffled. Angry. Inquisitive. Perplexed. Not-Quite-But-Awful-Close-to-Helpless. Determined.

(For what it's worth, the one on the list that kills me is the "helpless" phrase.... don't even get me started on my absolute dread/dislike of "helpless"!! I don't believe we're ever without help, whether it's from others or divine assistance. Help is always there. But it's the only way I can really describe the feeling.)

I am still up, weight-wise. This week, I used 25 of my 35 weekly extra points. I use those extra very infrequently, but I did this week. Was it too many? Not enough? I know that maintenance is ongoing and one of those constant experiments to see what may work and what may not. But I hardly think that using 5/7ths of those points was enough to send me up that much? And yes, it was (sorry fellas) The Week Just Before. But water retention? No. Trust me. I spent all day Thursday wearing a path from my office to the ladies' room. AND WAS STILL UP.

I want answers. Plain and simple.

For the last two checkups (last fall and this spring), my primary care physician has expressed concern about a low pulse rate. His concern is that it could be indicative of a thyroid issue. Last spring and summer, I was plagued by some other issues, and in the effort to get to the bottom of those, one of my doctors ordered a thyroid test. It came back normal, so a change in meds was in order. Fine. And the low pulse rate could be attributed to overall good cardio fitness, perhaps. But in discussions with a friend, I learned about an autoimmune disorder in which the thyroid is involved. Her sister was diagnosed with it, and her sister's thyroid tests all come back in normal ranges -- which they shouldn't, given the nature of this disease.

It made me ponder things. I'm not saying that there's a definite medical issue and have that be an excuse. If I'm screwing things up and gaining weight due to inattention or some fault of my own, THAT'S FINE. I can solve that somehow. I can keep tweaking and experimenting and finding ways to make it work. I'll know then that it is all me. But if there is an underlying medical problem, well, I want to know that too. Knowledge really is power. If I know, then I can work to solve it or alleviate it or do something other than wring my hands and think, "What did I do? What didn't I do? I've done everything right that I know to do. WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

I have an appointment for next Thursday with my family doc, and I am going to show him the information I have found. I am thinking that with the issues from last summer (okay, really, from most of my adult life on that front) that I need a full panel, I need to have real answers. If my goal really is improved quality of life through healthy living, I owe it to myself to know my body, both its strengths and weaknesses. I need to find what is in my power to change and accept what I cannot control and change.

I hope I can follow the example of my aunt Peggy. My aunt Peggy is one of my she-roes. She has faced adversities that I cannot begin to imagine: losing a child who was only age 2, facing breast cancer, a late-in-life diagnosis of diabetes. Her response to roadblocks is a marvelous example: a moment or two of silence, some deep breaths and then an "Okay, so what do I need to know, what do I need to do, to make this better, to learn to live with it, to move forward?" I sometimes sign off posts with "Ever forward" -- it's a gag line from the Dragnet movie in 1987 that makes me laugh, but it's actually a great outlook on life: ever forward. And that's how my aunt Peggy operates. One foot in front of the other and just move forward.

And that's all I want right now: answers. Something I can see, hear, touch on a piece of paper, something that will help me move ever forward. Something to let me know what is and isn't in my capability. I don't mind being told nothing's wrong. In fact, the words would thrill me because then I'D KNOW. I'd know that whatever's causing this gain is totally within my power and grasp to change. If I'm told, "Wow, you have this and we need to get you on some meds to help you out," then fine. It's one more prescription in the arsenal. And I can deal at that point. Ever forward.

Knowledge is power. And I need the knowledge to keep me from that helpless sensation that I so dread and loathe.

Here's to knowledge and power. Here's to never settling for a shrug of the shoulders. Here's to the determination to delve in and to find out more about the gift of our own bodies.

1 comment:

Nancy said...

I really needed to hear about "ever forward" today, for totally non-weight-related reasons. Thanks, as always, for sharing your thoughts.
I'm hoping you get to the bottom of your stall, one way or the other, soon.