Friday, August 06, 2010

Physician, Heal Thyself

Here's the short story – up a little but with a good explanation: department luncheon meeting 2 hours before weigh-in. So it was an unofficial weigh-in; official one this weekend. And to try to do something different to get this weight down, I’m trying the Simply Filling Technique for a week – no tracking except for the non-filling foods I choose. For portion control, I will eat until I am satisfied – note: this doesn’t mean full as a tick or stuffed … it means, I could eat more but I’m good where I am.

Now for the deeper thoughts ….. At my job, each morning I run a computer routine that triggers part of what I do in purchasing. This morning, it ran veerrrrrryyyy sssslllloooooowwwwwwly. While I was waiting on it to chug along, I visited WW e-Tools for more information on Simply Filling. In following one link, I saw a messageboard post from someone who is struggling with the idea of loving a “defective” body (she has some health issues and my heart really hurt for her…). And I can relate to some degree, so I took a moment to respond.

Regular readers know that lately, I can’t seem to figure out why, after all these years, my body is in rebellion. It has decided that all the hard work I’ve put in is nice, but it has its own agenda apparently. This was part of what I wrote to the other poster:

{snip} So I lose all this weight and now while I'm in much improved condition, my body is somehow not with the program. I'm seeking answers myself for some things and feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It is so frustrating .... but then I think this: I'm alive and moving. I could be dead.

I'm a few years older. My body is not the amazing factory-new machine it was a few years ago. I've put a few more hundred-thousand miles on it. Changed up the chassis and cleaned out the engine, but most of the original parts are still there and now have at least 40 years wear on them. I didn't do myself any favors for abusing my body for 25+ years. Losing all the weight doesn't mean I live happily ever after. It means I live a lot longer with better skills and decision-making ideas. If there's something medical going on, I go in armed with information, and work with the doctors to figure it out. I have to learn to make peace with my body.

I don't have all the answers. I'm also learning to love my body, flaws and all. I'll have moments when I get down and discouraged - I'll rage at the heavens and pound the earth with my fist and throw a big ol' hissy fit. But then I will think how lucky I am to be moving and raging and learning and growing-as-I'm-shrinking...... and that is a beautiful moment indeed.

Physician, heal thyself. I struggle with the unexplained weight spike that’s been going on since February. I struggle with hormonal issues and possible repercussions throughout in my endocrine system (and the rest of my body). The body is amazing in its complexities and how every system interacts with each other….. it both awes me and frustrates me.

But I am alive. I am moving. I am breathing. I am reasoning and thinking, and my mind is still fairly sharp (no comments from the peanut gallery). My body is older but it moves and reacts in ways it never could have even 5 years ago or 10 years ago, when I was younger and supposedly in better condition. Looking back, I realize that I was playing Russian roulette, spinning that chamber and grinning each time there was a click and no bullet. What was I thinking back then, that I had some sort of semi-charmed life? I think that's what I need to focus more on -- the gratitude for what I have and less of the "what the Hades is WRONG with me?"


PS: So far so good with the Simply Filling. Yes I realize I'm only 2 meals and one snack into it, but it's been interesting so far. Right at this very second I am mentally craving something sweet, but my stomach tells me I don't really need it. Listening to my mind might be a terrible thing for my waist! :)

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