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The Scream You Can't Hear

Right now, there's an inner me that's screaming in frustration. The me that has done more 5K's than I can count. The me that loves going to the gym and working on the physical side of self-improvement -- a stronger, healthier body. The me that steps on the scale in frustration the last few weeks because even with trying to watch what I eat, I feel like tossing it all up and saying, "Why bother?"

Yeah, honesty.

Yesterday, the gym bag was packed, in the car, and everything was good..... until around 4:00 PM. I truly could feel my left foot swell. Why? I don't know. I don't know anything about my body lately as I battle this foot/ankle thing. All I know is that I can be at the gym, do things right, and feel fine the next day too .... and the day after that, pain, pain, pain. I have sat and wondered "what if" about a million things and if I think anymore about it, I will send myself into a frenzy. And no, I'm not going to do that.

This morning, I can still see the swelling in my toes, around the left ankle (even though there's no pain), and I'm not sure why.... I took anti-inflammatories all day yesterday because I felt little twinges of pain yesterday morning. I don't get it.

That's the scream: the sound of frustration, the bewilderment of not knowing. Will today be a good day, when I can do a little something and feel good enough to even do 10 minutes of activity ---- or will today be one of those days when I'm all ready to do something and be thwarted by a body part that says, "Mmm, I don't think so, not today."

I know, I know, listen to my body and all that. So what is it trying to tell me now, "I told you so"? Yeah, thanks a lot, that's really helpful.

And to that a little guilt because this is just a foot/ankle thing. Or the occasional migraine at times that frustrates my plans. I have friends who have far worse issues, and I feel like an absolute heel for even whining about this.

But I *am* upset. I worked too hard to get here only to have it fall apart. I am trying so hard now to get back to a place I'd like to be..... like any child, I want to know WHY!!!!! and yet I know there's got to be some sort of higher purpose. Ohm.

So...... I will focus instead on what I can do, when I can do it. If I have a bad day, I just have a bad day. I don't choose when my arthritis will flare up. I don't choose when my migraine brain says, "I got ya now!" And as much as I hate these distractions (TRULY), enjoying my life is just as important.

Comments

Unknown said…
I can remember the frustration of not being able to talk. I knew what I wanted to say, but I could
not get the words out, so I would just scream. See the link below for more info.

#scream
www.matreyastudios.com
2:49 AM
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